Jacob the avali,

Discussion in 'Writing' started by Arcadoof, Oct 7, 2017.

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Is this fanfic good so far?

  1. Yes

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. No

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  3. Oh my, this is awesome.

    0 vote(s)
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  4. Your story sucks so bad I want to hit my head on something.

    100.0%
  5. I love it.

    0 vote(s)
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  6. I hate it.

    0 vote(s)
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  7. Daayyum bro.

    0 vote(s)
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  8. Wtf.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. Arcadoof

    Arcadoof Star Wrangler

    Jacob the avali


    Chapter 1:


    I woke up in my dorm, I checked my alarm clock and it read 11: 30 AM, I had my promotion to protector scheduled at 11:45 AM, I ran over to my locker in my pajamas grabbed my uniform and ran to a changing room. After that I ran to the hall of the protectors, I was extremely nervous but I waddled into the room, 15 minutes later after I had been given the protector badge, I heard a loud rumbling sound, and the room was shaking, dust fell from the ceiling and then it burst open. Giant red tentacles were filling the room, the strange device known as the matter manipulator was sitting on the ground on top of a pile of rubble that used to be it's pedestal. I grabbed it and ran, I made it as far as the storage room where I found a crate with a rusted sword, and in the doorway to the outside of the building was a smaller tentacle. I charged at it with my sword and sliced at it until it retracted itself, outside I saw a landing pad with a beaten up ship, I knew it was a long shot that it would still work, but I hopped inside and to my luck it turned on, my flight skills were rusty but I took off and left earth, I went to the nearest start which was about 4.37 light years away, I went there in hope of escaping whatever eldritch abomination destroyed earth. As I was about one million kilometers from a planet, an asteroid hit me, I was pulled into the planet's orbit and the intertial dampeners were not functional, as I entered the atmosphere I though my end was near, I heard a loud whoosh and felt some drag, the parachutes somehow were still functional, the ship landed on the ground, I leaned back into the pilot seat and blacked out.​
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2017
  2. D.M.G.

    D.M.G. Master Astronaut

    Dude

    Space that text a bit, do paragraphs instead of a text wall, else nobody's gonna read you

    Furthermore, as an advice, I hope ya gotta bone to pick somewhere, cos for now you just re-telling the game's intro
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2017
  3. Arcadoof

    Arcadoof Star Wrangler

    Thanks I worked in the whitespace some I need as much advice as I can get Because I am a novice at writing.
     
  4. AlexFrank

    AlexFrank Poptop Tamer

    Good writing but not readable, would be nice if you give the sentences some break.
     

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