Other The Birdwatcher: A Love Story

Discussion in 'Fan Works' started by Gabaw, May 8, 2016.

  1. Gabaw

    Gabaw Spaceman Spiff

    I was so enamored with the Robin in Magically's fanfic that I had to throw something short together with her and my farmer. This is first-person male farmer and female Robin and will largely be comedy because I suck so eyyyyy :iswydt: BTW, my farmer looks the same as my last fic, buff as a mofo. Also, strong language. Ye be warned. So achoo and all that...

    "I am so sick an' tired of fighting every other day!" Robin felt like this happened almost every day. Every other day, to be exact. Another 16 hours of being alone with Maru and Sebastian while her current husband was out doing who knows what with plants in his pants.

    The man in question, Demetrius, dismissed it all as usual. "Now now dear, you know that's not true. You're the only one that seems to have an issue here. I don't hear Maru or Sebastian complaining. In fact, they seem perfectly fine on their own."

    Robin shook her head in her hands. "Demetrius, I told you before and I'll tell you again. If being alone was fine I wouldn't have remarried! I'm not so sure anymore."

    Demetrius sipped lukewarm coffee out of a 'World's #1 Dad and #1 Husband and #1 in General' Mug. It was fitting for a big fat liar. "Honey, please. We'll talk about this in the morning. Good night dear."

    Robin briefly considered stomping his balls into mash. "Maybe just the left one... Nah, gotta be the right." She eventually decided against it, putting the sledgehammer down but eyeing the axe for far too long. Maybe it was time to drop the axe after all 'cause there was no way she was gonna bury the hatchet. She did have to worry about Maru. She had nothing against the poor girl. In fact, Maru was the only reason she was still toughing it out with this less than ideal marriage. The swirling thoughts kept her up, which was fine since she definitely wasn't sharing the bed tonight.


    Meanwhile across the valley, I had just finished up another day at the farm. I compared the circumference of my bicep to that of my jacked scarecrow, Mussell Crow. You might think that competing with a static object is of no use. You might be dead wrong, you naive fools. You see, Mussell Crow has no off days, he has no rest days. He never grows but he never shrinks. He never sleeps. He's out there 24/7. When I am strong, he is also strong. When I am weak, he is still strong. While I grow tired and old, he remains young and swole'd.

    Today, I won. If I didn't annihilate tonight, I might not win tomorrow. With that thought fresh in my mind, I headed toward the bus stop. It was still light out and I had some energy to burn. The bus still hasn't been fixed but I used that to my advantage. I went around to the front of the vehicle, lifting a chain I had attached prior. I put it around my gigantic chest, wide as the mountains are tall, thick as the oceans are deep. I paused, seeing a figure approaching. I struck my best Mr. Olympia victory pose on instinct.

    "Fancy seein' you here, tough guy." Robin came out of the dark, her fiery red hair suiting her fiery greeting. "You look like you're ready to do somethin' nuts again." She noted my appearance, and my muscles. They were large and bulging in my shirtless glory.

    "Just doing some light exercise." I explained, re-attaching the chain to my chest. "Wanna go for a ride to Calico Desert? It'll be a little chilly by the time we get there."

    "Why the heck not? I could use a vacation." Robin sighed, hopping into the dilapidated bus. The rusty bearings groaned under the strain of movement but sure enough, the wheels were turning. "Wow, I'm impressed! Can't say yer makin' good time though, kiddo, haha." She chided playfully.

    "Heh, I just didn't want startle you." I leaned forward and dug my fingers into the cracks and potholes in the ashpalt. The bus picked up speed. "This thing may be a heap of junk but it gets a guaranteed one farmerpower!"

    Robin laughed, probably out of pity. "It sure does, huh?" She quickly became sullen. "Actually, I've been goin' through a rough spot with that jackass Demetrius lately. Not that you could help but I need to vent, ya know?"

    A little birdy already told me of the issues in the mountain household. Still, I listened to Robin as she told countless stories of the bullshittery coming from her current husband. Those were some shaky foundations and they all knew it.

    By the time she was finished, the bus was already back from the desert and Robin was tearing up. She thanked me for listening. I was about to thank Demetrius for being an asshole.

    It was almost noon. I threatened my entire farmstead, commanding it to take care of its own damn self for one day, goddamnit. The mushrooms and fruits jumped into jars and kegs, the crops hopped into the sales bin. Trees cut themselves down, rolling logs into my storage chests. Cows milked themselves, goats churned their own cheese. Sheep picked up shears and took turns. Pigs carried truffles to the proper receptacle. Ducks plucked their own feathers, chickens laid twice as many eggs, large. The rabbits, well, let's just say that they were glad the knives were sharp.

    I went into the basement. Correction, I entered the Pain Cave. It was dimly lit and musty, a single insect buzzing around the bare incandescent bulb hanging from the ceiling. I kneeled in a formal Japanese stance, shins below my thighs. Solid concrete walls, steel reinforced. Same with the floor and the ceiling. In one corner hung an industrial wrecking ball. In another, a giant lead globe.

    I breathed deep, attaining a calm state of zen. What would grandpa have done, I pondered. His image came to my mind, alternating the flex in his right and left pecs causing them to bounce tantalizingly. "Grandson," he spoke. "Do not let the rage consume you." He put his hands behind his head, flexing his arms and abs, a true image of impenetrable steel. "It is the duty of the strong to protect the weak, not to pound them into a bloody mist." I opened my eyes, sweating. His voice faded away. "May the flex be with you...also don't forget your daily fiber intake. Boy I learned that lesson the hard way, huuuuey!".

    "Yes, grandpa. You are right." I poured some raisin bran into my mouth and chewed it thoroughly. Then, I punched the wrecking ball until it exploded into a billion little pieces, which I then chewed thoroughly as well. I went to the globe and heaved tremendously. I lifted it over my shoulder and crouched like fucking Atlas holding up the Earth. "I am ready."

    I took out my calligraphy brush and ink slate. I placed some distilled water on the slate and ground the ink block until it reached a thick consistency. I pulled a blank Dwarf Scroll from the rack on the far wall and issued a challenge in the native Dwarven tongue. I called on Robin, my pet robin. Yes, it's a bird that I named after both itself and a person. Deal with it. So I tied the scroll to its foot and sent it out. "Fly true, friend. Fly true as the wind." It knew where to go for I had it watch the mountain house daily.

    I retrieved grandpa's headband, red with gold Chinese letters. It was an ancient phrase, "Your heart guides your fist but your fist should not guide your heart." I made my way to the mountain house and knelt in front of the door. It was cold and raining. I was there until dark. I was there still when the rainy morning came again. I knew the message had been delivered yet I did not receive an answer.

    I stood up, fists balled and outward. "COOOOWWAAARRDDD!!" Lightning struck in the distance, thunder carrying my roar. At last, the front door opened, Demetrius showing his smug face. He didn't look too happy today.

    He had a suitcase in each hand. "So that's it then? We're done? Come on, let's talk about us!"

    Robin made a firm point. "I tried over and over again. Enough! There is no more us." She gave it to him straight. "Get out and don't you come back."

    "Hmph! You won't have to tell me twice!" Demetrius threw his belongings in the trunk of his car and left without another word. In his anger, he ran some girl over and kept going.

    "Like, oh my god! " Haley screamed. "My hair! Also my bones! You are sooooooo getting sued!" No one seemed to care.

    Robin yelled after him. "Good riddance, ya dumbass! See if I ever miss you!" She spotted me out there, still in my epic pose. "Oh damn. Sorry ya had to see that, fella... Well, no use hidin' it. I'm filin' for divorce." She rubbed the back of her head. "It's probably gonna be mutual."

    I blinked. "Oh."

    She invited me in. I sat at her kitchen table. We talked. For a long time, we talked. She cried when she tried not to. I listened quietly. Maru stayed behind with Harvey. They had been dating secretly under Demetrius' nose though she didn't think he would mind, what with the Ph.D. and being a doctor and all. Sebastian couldn't care less but it was the second time their family had been broken. He went for a ride to clear his head.

    By this time, Robin had one too many glasses of red wine. She preferred whiskey or a tall stout but not today. "Is it -hic- Is it me?" She lamented. "What have I done -hic- wrong? Am I a bad mother? A -hic - bad wife? I must be unact... unattra... -hic- not pretty." She stammered out. "And what about you, huh? You got somethin' to say too, don't ya? Out with it! You and your perfect muscles, your shaggy -hic- natural hair. Your deep blue eyes..."

    "Why'd you stop?" I was looking in a handheld mirror admiring my own features as she pointed them out. "Oh, sorry." I was mid-flex when I caught myself. It's hard being this handsome. "I'll level with you, Robin." I took her hand with two massive fingers. She looked confused, not sure what to expect. "Will you marry me?"

    She was stunned for a moment, then blinked twice and laughed. "That's a good one. Kick a girl while she's down. I oughta throttle ya!" She thunked her head down on the table. "Of course you're not -hic- serious. I'm an old woman now. I'm more than 10 years older than you, have a kid, just -hic- lost my second husband, can't even-"

    I raised her head and kissed her. She spilled the contents of her glass on the floor, arms limp. We stayed like that for a few minutes. It was the rumbling of Sebastian's motorcycle that tore us awake.

    Robin pulled away first. "I, uh... ahem." She looked at the puddle on the floor. "I should, um, clean that up."

    I didn't let her go. As she turned around, I put one giant arm around her. "I love you. Will you say yes?"

    It was all too much, but she felt like this was finally the one good decision in her life. "Yes... I will."

    Sebastian walked in. "...the fuck?"

    I greeted him. "Hello, son."

    The disgust in his face was the purest I had ever seen. "No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO."

    I thought it would be like this. I grabbed him by the torso and took him outside to his motorcycle. "I heard some rattling in the back end when you were coming in." I lifted the bike with one hand and crimped the exhaust pipe at the muffler with the other hand. I set it back down again.

    "Okay." Sebastian agreed.

    Robin smiled. "It's settled then! We're a new family. Ain't it great, tough guy?" She lightly hit my arm. She keeled over, grasping her knuckles. "Holy hell in a handbasket, wow! I gotta remember not to do that."

    "Yeah sorry, arms of steel and all." I shrugged. The house shook. "Whoops, shrugs of steel. Anyway, that reminds me. We'll need to steel reinforce the place."

    "You're movin' in? What about the farm?" Robin liked the idea but she knew I had duties to attend to. "Maybe we rushed into things. There's a lotta things we gotta work out. How're ya gonna handle the farm and be here for Sebastian too? I can't just up and move, my whole business is up here." I kissed her again. Her worries melted away. "Okay."

    She was feeling better now, perhaps too much so. She felt up my chiseled abs and stone biceps. "Say big fella, don't think I ain't seen how you've been lookin' at me when you come by. You've got a big log down there and there's nobody in this town better than me at handling wood!" She was still drunk, but a happy drunk.

    I looked around the place. I saw several sharp splitting axes, large mechanical ripsaws, and a woodchipper. I watched a stiff branch get mulched inch by inch. "Uh, about that..."

    "Jesus, mom! Get a room." Sebastian went downstairs and slammed the door shut. He tried to bleach the memory from his mind by playing My Chemical Romance songs through his headphones and writing in his online diary/blog, "The Non-Conformist Manifesto".

    "That son of mine." Robin looked at me. "That son of ours." She remembered her previous concerns. "The whole houses being miles apart thing is still a problem. Your rippling muscles can't flex this away."

    Or can they?


    The place where the mountain house used to be was now an empty, rectangular divet in the ground. With the chain wrapped around my chest, I continued to pull the house toward my farm. I ran over Haley again for good measure. I'll go back and throw her into the stratosphere later. With the steel reinforcements, the house held up perfectly.

    I set it up right next to mine. Robin would build a connecting wing when she settled in. My farm had more trees than all of Stardew Valley put together. Pine, maple, oak. It was all here. It was a carpenter's paradise. The best part is that nobody needed to climb a mountain to pick up their furniture anymore. It was just a straight, muddy shot from town to farm.

    Robin hugged me. "You're the best!" She quickly let go. "Boy, you're sweatin' like a pig! Can't blame you, all things considered." She approached again. "Not that I hate it." She ran a finger down my slick chest, leaving a wet trail behind. That night she would sing like a beautiful songbird.

    When morning finally came, we realized we were missing something. She looked around. "Hey, where's Sebby?"

    Back at the mountain, Sebastian awoke to daylight. "The hell?" He had his headphones on all night. He took them off and went upstairs, finding nothing but an empty plot of land and some bursting water pipes. "Well, shit." He sighed, turning on the computer. "Dear diary..."

      Last edited: May 10, 2016
    • MagicallyClueless

      MagicallyClueless Master Astronaut

      oH MY G OD

      i laughed extremely loudly at least 80 times while reading this. over-the-top and amazing, i love it. thank you for blessing this forum with your writing and your ideas. (and haley dying)

      i feel special that the way i wrote Robin inspired this MASTERPIECE
      she has a very lovely southern twang in this fic, so beautiful


      i'm speechless honestly

      (i really need to read your other fic but i haven't had the chance to yet. so help me i will, your farmer is so swole)
        Gabaw likes this.
      • Gabaw

        Gabaw Spaceman Spiff

        Hey, thanks! I really appreciate it but please don't go blind reading my garbage :rofl: I need Chap 6 of your amazing fic tho... Your Robin is perfect.
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        • Tsukuru

          Tsukuru Pangalactic Porcupine

          I was wondering if there'd be another one of these! I'm happy there is!
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          • mrobake

            mrobake Zero Gravity Genie

            Awww yissss, the return of the huge manly macho vain Farmer and his quest to become the PRIMEST OF PRIME MEN SEARCHING FOR LOVEEEEE~.

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            • Gabaw

              Gabaw Spaceman Spiff

              ;) Thanks for reading both of my fics, much appreciated. There might be one more in the same vein...

              Sexlexia :rofl: Man I wish that show was still on the air, it was one of my favorites. Thanks for reading and enjoying my crap! Next one will be somewhat different but hopefully better...
                MagicallyClueless likes this.
              • zcsnightmare

                zcsnightmare Scruffy Nerf-Herder

                Oh god, this is gonna be repeating over and over in my head today. Already is. xD

                You got over the top comedy nailed down, man. This is great.
                  Gabaw likes this.
                • Gabaw

                  Gabaw Spaceman Spiff

                  Thanks dawg! I know you don't like first-person stuff but I appreciate you taking the time. Where's your stuff though? You gotta sit down and write again one of these days.
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                  • zcsnightmare

                    zcsnightmare Scruffy Nerf-Herder

                    Comedy in first-person is quite good, when it's a drama/action FP is pretty limited on letting the reader see the big picture or getting to know multiple characters without a bias veil. The sheer ridiculousness of bulging muscles and manliness is too damn good to pass up. I can't do comedy writing and I rarely see good comedies, yours are pretty darn good. Makes me laugh usually in the first paragraph, lol. I dunno if that's a good thing for ya, when my favorite comedy movies are Anchorman and Kung Pow (almost everyone hates this beautiful gem!) xD

                    That I do, lol. Eventually. I have a couple stories developing in my brain, just waiting for it to progress more before sitting down and typing it up. The creative part of my brain is like one of those boo ghosts from Mario, you can't let it know you're paying attention, or it'll hide. Gotta turn your back on it and wait for it to get closer...and closer...then GOT YA! It's like a peacock, you gotta let it fly.

                      Gabaw likes this.
                    • MagicallyClueless

                      MagicallyClueless Master Astronaut

                      I GREW UP ON THAT MOVIE
                      THAT MOVIE IS MY CHILDHOOD

                      but yes this fic is funny and good
                        Gabaw likes this.
                      • zcsnightmare

                        zcsnightmare Scruffy Nerf-Herder

                        Well, everyone I know, except myself and maybe one other person, absolutely hates it. But, that's around here. I really wanted to see a movie with his thumbs as people "WE'VE BEEN HIT!"

                        Oh my goodness, they did make one! :D

                        ...I wonder if I can make gopherchucks on SDV...hmm...

                        *eyes cows suspiciously*

                        You grew up to that as your childhood movie? With uniboob and all? xD Well, can't say much, Short Circuit and some other 80s/early 90s movies were pretty damn crude. They definitely wouldn't pass the PG rating system. (That Indian guy on Short Circuit was one hell of a perv after seeing it not too long ago)
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                        • MagicallyClueless

                          MagicallyClueless Master Astronaut

                          !!!I IMPLORE YOU TO RECONSIDER!!!

                          Oh, man. Like, my entire family quotes everything from that movie and we still do. A favorite among my dad and I is the "badong" and "gnodab" as well as "YER DAYS ARE OVER MISTER". But yes, uniboob and all. xD Crude yes, but we watched that stuff as a family. A random note, but I ADORED Sleepy Hollow when I was really little. My mom said that I would put a blanket over my head and run around on my play horse and neigh, like I was the headless horseman. But now, if I watch it, I'm like.... WHAT DID I FIND ENTERTAINING? ISN'T THIS A HORROR MOVIE? MOTHER WHY DID YOU LET ME WATCH THIS

                          It all boils down to what you notice as a kid. xD I really enjoyed some more satirical and cheap comedy movies that probably don't hold up very well today. Kung Pow will always have a special place in my heart tho.

                          (sorry for going off topic gabaw love u)
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                          • Gabaw

                            Gabaw Spaceman Spiff

                            Where do you all think my sense of humor comes from :rofl: Let's see... Dude Where's My Car, Coneheads, and especially Hot Shots and Hot Shots: Part Deux to name a few. We're all lame, together :confirm:
                            • zcsnightmare

                              zcsnightmare Scruffy Nerf-Herder

                              I was like with Dune, which kind of still holds up well over time. Then, it got scary as I got older with the giant sandworms and stuff. Ah god, it took me ages to find this one old movie that haunted me as a kid, called The Gate. Haven't seen that in over twenty years but I can still vividly recall some of those scenes. Like this dude
                              D: man, those early 80s movies' graphics/claymation surprisingly still hold up. I guess that's claymation. Shit, I dunno.

                              Holy shit, Hot Shots! I was obsessed with that movie as a kid. I'd rent it from Blockbuster all of the damn time. Oh goodness, I'm suffering from major nostalgia right now. God damn Blockbuster.

                              Don't forget Airplane! First and only PG movie I've ever seen tits in. And don't call me Shirley. Leslie Nielsen (rip, one of the greats, long with John Candy and Farley) and Naked Gun, gosh darn.

                              I need to see these again very soon. :3
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                              • Gabaw

                                Gabaw Spaceman Spiff

                                Leslie Nielsen is in pretty much all of my favorite comedies. He was great! It was a sad day when Chris Farley passed too. We don't really have anybody like that anymore but that's not to say it's all bad. Hey, sometimes b-movie horror flicks are the best laughs too. I got a couple different friends who do "bad movie night" and have a riot :rofl: Just wish they invited me... lmao!
                                  zcsnightmare likes this.

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